The Motherly Instinct

            There are about a million mommy/ motherhood blog posts out there so I said hey why not. Actually though, the other week I was visiting with another mom and I had a mind altering, emotional epiphany. I really don't know if those are the right words and I hope I can share this  right because the whole thing was mostly just about me admitting something to myself and saying it out loud. When I said it to this other mom I was astonished but yet not really, that she had the same experience but of course played along like I did and everyone else.  I know, I know get on with it and just tell us what it is.

            How many times have you heard some one tell you, or seen in a movie, "you'll just know, the mommy instinct will kick in?" Or, "you'll learn to read their cries." I'm pretty sure that even in my birthing class and the videos I watched in the hospital at delivery said things like that. Yeah sure it gave me comfort and hope, well until the first thing came up that I had absolutely no idea what to do.

There are so many decisions out there to make for a growing developing human being. I felt like Every decision I made was life altering. I know that is a little extreme but well that's just how I am. I've been working on that with the help of my husband and I think I'm doing a lot better. Anyways, a decision like giving your baby a pacifier. There area lot of opinions out there, personal and medical. It's ok though I can just go with my motherly instinct and well I can even choose to just give it to them for certain cries....

I'M OPENING MY MOUTH and saying for myself and all other mothers out there that have just gone with the flow of agreement and not wanting to sound like something was wrong with them... "All my babies' cries sound the same! Of course there is the blood curdling pain scream but other than that, tired, hungry, sad, mad, just want to make noise, or hey get me out of this diaper all sounded the same! 

Also sometimes, most times, when I really needed to make a decision I just had to make a choice and hope for the best, without any gut feeling. I do believe in prayer and I do believe that we have a loving Heavenly Father that cares about even our smallest worries and will help us out with these decisions. I understand though that for our own growth sometimes we just have to make a choice see how it goes and make changes where needed or just keep going when it works. We were created with minds and hearts, to direct ourselves with both.

So there it is. It's ok to not know what to do and to not know what your baby needs. The thing my husband tells me which has truly been a turning point in my stress and over thinking is "he (child) will still grow up, go on a mission, get married in the temple and have eternal life." You may or may not understand the significance of that statement but simply put, those things are the most important essential things that I would have for my children. Whether or not he misses a nap, takes a binky, breastfeeds or all those other things that weigh on us, they will not change the outcome of the most important things in life.

The Lorax

So I just watched The Lorax with my two year old for the first time... It has caused me to vow to never let him watch a movie again! 

I'll give more details in a moment. Movies have always been a difficult thing for me. I love movies and it was kinda of a family thing we did together growing up. I loved it. As I got older and started understanding the Latter-day Saint Standards on movies I wanted to follow them but it was hard. It wanted to be the one the would walk out of a movie or turn it off if it was inappropriate or contrary the spirit, but I was usually too afraid. I was too afraid to offend someone. Or I dismissed it as just that one time, or I won't watch it again. Recognizing my weakness about two years ago I decided that I needed to draw a clearer line for myself so I will be less likely to be put into a situation that I know I will have a hard time getting out of. It's like the age old scenario of if you know there's gonna be drinking at a party you just don't go, simple as that. So my decision was that I only watch PG and G movies. Lots of people have said things like, "well these days even those movies aren't clean sometimes." Yes that is true but it helps me avoid a lot of "traps." I know my weakness and I've chosen my strategy, to flee!! 

My husband is pretty critical of movies so since about the time I made that decision I have thought back and taken a critical look into movies and it is pretty astonishing at all the messages that are usually hidden under daises and chocolates. (I just came up with that myself)  But tonight I just had an awakening as I watched immediate results. So here's my story:

We were watching the Lorax for the first time like I mentioned, and well I'm not gonna go into what I think Dr. Suess would say or do if he saw what was done to his story... Any ways It came to the part where the last truffala tree was cut down. The lighting was dark, the music was dramatic and sad and the emotions of the all the characters were clear. They were overwhelmingly depressed (that's not quite the right words). Jarom who is two, he's very smart, but I'm sure only understood a portion of what was going on started to cry. I don't recall all his words except for in a quivering voice as he clings to me, "mom I'm not happy." 

I felt sick. I quickly explained to him what had happened and why everyone was sad. It was the consequence of not keepnig promises and other such things and then quickly told him that Heavenly father and Jesus Christ can fix it if we repent and told him to watch. He started to cheer up as I talked him through what was happening as he "repented" by providing another seed and saying sorry and fixing what he did wrong. He go so excited and happy.

 Media has so much power! It can control our emotions without us even understanding what is going on. Yes I have heard the idea of things like that being good teaching moments and learning opportunities but I think there are much better ways. What about examples of making good positive happy choices and seeing the outcome minus all the other stuff. Satan wants us to feel unhappy, not Christ. Christ brings light. 

I don't need the messages of the world, especially the ones that have to be hidden under daisies and chocolates.

"Be an Example"

The other day I read a blog about how telling young people to be an example can be very damaging. That it can put expectations on the youth that they may never feel like they are living up to. Also it said that they will live for people under a mask and not for Christ. I believe the author had good intentions but I really feel she missed so much.  
   Following is the response I made:

So much insight and so much to think about and consider. I am one of those girls. I am one that grew up desiring to be an example to my friends and to uphold everything I knew to be right and true. I wanted to be everything my Savior wanted me to be and died for me to be able to be. Because of that understanding I wanted everyone else to have the happiness and peace that came from that kind of living. I was outgoing, happy, and involved. My friendships though were rough. I was often called a "goody-two-shoe," and told I was judging people. I felt alone a lot of the times. I never felt like I was hiding behind a mask though. I lived what I really believed and that meant I made mistakes sometimes but I fixed them because that is what Christ taught us to do. It was always so frustrating when my friends would leave my side and treat me badly but the moment they were hurting and needed someone to comfort them and buoy them up they turned to me. It was hard for me but they knew who they could turn to. I loved them so I continued to be there. They had someone that was predictable. They knew where I stood, and they knew I stood with Christ and would always stand with Him. They didn't have to wonder if I had changed my ways. They knew they could come to me for an example of how to get back on to the Lord's path. 

My youth was hard and lonely. I had the comfort of knowing I was a daughter of God and that He was always with me but there was still the desire to have someone tangible, always and not intermittently at my side. But I do not regret being an example.

The peace and blessings it has brought are immeasurable. I have a close relationship with My Lord and my God. I am confident in who I was and who I am and who I am becoming. I have friends from my youth that have expressed gratitude to me for the example I was. Also, I have seen the blessings they have received as they have turned their lives to Christ, the joy that has brought knowing that I was a little piece of their path. I have a husband that I feel has worked just as hard as living a life for Christ and we will be eternally happy with our children. 

As I stood as an example as I was taught I should, sometimes I only stood with God but standing with God has brought experience, growth, and happiness that I would wish upon everyone. I will continue to challenge the youth I work with and my own children to be an example. With that though, I will teach them how, as I teach them of Christ. I will share the price they may pay. Most of all I will express the blessing that will come.

The Return

I have this friend who has really inspired me in a lot of things and one of them is to get back into blogging. I'm not a hundred percent convinced but I remember how it made me feel each time I wrote before. I loved reflecting on life's situations and how I was handling it and if I was becoming the Kina I was created to be.

So here it goes.

The thought of my creation has been on my mind lately. I am no longer a mom of just one but two and it is challenging. Sometimes it feels like more than I can bare with all the other things life brings. I enjoy it but there are moments when I think shouldn't I just get a moment to myself. When do I get to do what I want to do. And then you feel guilty for those thoughts and then you get frustrated. I never feel happy in those moments, not like the moments when I am down on the floor making dinosaurs chase each other, or running around chasing my boys with "great big stomping dinosaur feet," or helping them create.  So a couple weeks ago, probably after a hard day, I was praying. I don't remember what I said to my Father but I remember what he said to me. He reminded what I was created for. He reminded me that all my life I have been waiting for this time. I even played and pretended this time because it was a hope and a dream. Being a wife and a  mom is all I ever wanted and exactly what my Heavenly Father intended me to be. It was in my design. When I felt his words it struck with so much power and understanding that I was anxious to get up and get going again.

Being a mom and a wife is a 100% thing. It's selfless. But it is also so rewarding. Having this understanding there isn't such a selfish craving for "me time." When the opportunity comes for "me time" I can take it happily with no guilt, knowing that my family has received my best.


I still have my moments but as I reflect on those thoughts it feels my soul with a love for what I am doing and what I am becoming. I have the greatest career in the world and I can love it or I can go through the motions and live through it till retirement.

I love my husband and children with all my soul and I know that as I let Heavenly Father helps me fulfill my potential I can enjoy each day.

"look at that LITTLE belly," "I didn't even know you were preganant," "you're getting so big,"... so many phrases but you never seem to use the right one..

I was thinking the other day, as I was looking down at my expanding tummy, that I feel bad for everyone that comes in contact with a pregnant women and the topic of her stomach or looks come up. There are all these stories and stereotypes about the emotional or sensitive woman who gets her feelings hurt because someone said the wrong thing to her. So I decided that I'll help all those out that read this and run into me. I cannot fix the issue for every woman you run into because every woman is different.

You see some women don't ever want to look pregnant but as for me as soon as I start feeling pregnant I want something to show for it. Right now I am at the stage where it is definitely obvious (to me at least) that my stomach is bigger than it used to be. So feel free to mention my little tummy! As time goes on though I may still look little but I won't be feeling little so as for me I do not like my tummy to be referred to as little.

But how are you supposed to know when I switch to being ok with a small tummy to not being ok with it? And what woman goes around letting you know what they want to hear? I really just think that this is a forever egg shell situation. But I'm putting it out there that us pregnant women should just let people know! And for everyone that is about to say something to a pregnant woman... ask them how they feel... though ya know that could be a dangerous thing too... I think it would be ok... use this blog post as a conversation piece. Every woman is different but I think I'm safe to say that most women like to talk about how they feel.

Just some thoughts.

bumps and bruises

This is a whole new adventure. Jarom has become our little adveturer and explorer and of course taste tester. Among all his adventures and explorations, he has to make many stops along the way to taste all the interesting artifacts.
The hardest part about this stage is knowing what I'm supposed to do. Of course the smiling and laughing comes natural but what about when I see him holding onto the edge of the couch reaching for the next object to help him stand? With my mommy eyes I can see that it is just a little too far out of reach where the likely outcome will be a faceplant right in front of it. Do I let him reach? Do I let him fall?
This morning my little man was off on one of his adventures exploring how his carseat works if he climbs in it all by himself. He went tumbling over. Cries came and then were calmed in the comfort of mommy. With this experience I started to think more about my role as a mom. These thoughts turned me to the examples of the greatest parents of all, our heavenly parents.
It's hard to watch Jarom fall and I worry that he will get bumps and bruises but I've had a few of those and they've gone away. The Lord lets us fail sometimes so we can feel the joy and happiness of success. I love watching Jarom stand, reach, stop, analyze, and start all over again and then he steps forward and stands in his destination place. Such great joy and excitement runs through me to see him grow and achieve. I think those feelings are the very same that the Father has for us. He doesn't enjoy the pain of our bumps and bruises but He cannot stop the trials that bring them because He understands that they are essential for our learning and our growth. But what he can do is comfort us. He has sent His son to run to us in everytime of need. There is not a pain he cannot ease nor a bruise he cannot fade. If we will but be like little children and reach up to those arms that are there for our comfort there is not an adventure or exploration that we cannot succeed in.
I know that these arms are here for me in this adventure of mine to let Jarom learn, to explore, and sometimes fail. As I will be there to comfort him so will my Father and Savior be there to comfort me.